guilt
i deleted that last post. i doubt anybody saw it anyways, but i felt bad. it wasn't even a proper post, just a breakdown in text form with a lot of shitty metaphors. a lot.
i feel really horrible. i was so mean, and i said some actually shitty things. how do people frequently antagonise (on purpose) others? how do people frequently get into arguments? whenever i say anything that could hurt someone i care about, even in the slightest, i feel sick to my stomach.
it's a horrible crawling sensation, the sickness creeps up into my throat and it doesn't ever stop. i've been feeling like this for a few days now, and it hasn't stopped at all, my throat is still tight and words are constantly getting stuck.
that's my conscience, unfortunately. it really hurts.
i used to be quite interested in this topic. i read, uhh.. don't judge me please.. sigmund freud's. thoughts on it. did not know that he was a proshipper back then, i think he is rather stupid now, but anyways! he said that guilt was formed by a struggle between the superego (part of the psyche that controls societal norms & moral compass), and the ego (the part that tries to balance your personal wants with the superego).
he believed that it stemmed from childhood, as a result of a child anticipating being punished. you do bad thing = get punished = feel bad about the punishment. this instinct persists, even when you're not getting punished. you do bad thing = feel bad, just cutting out the middleman. while i really dislike freud's views on how EveryThing comes from parents, i do think that he's right on this.
guilt is formed because of your beliefs on what's right and wrong, from what you were taught as a child. my family is one of those ultra-kind 'never say shut up to someone, even as a joke, because it hurts their feelings and makes you seem unkind' types. so i feel guilty about everything.
i wouldn't say i'm a doormat, not at all. i'm more the kind that does whatever i want (very impulsively), and then feels horrible about it for the next week. it's not very fun.
i'm not sure if there's any way to fix this, honestly. i don't want to not be kind, it's who i am. but it really huuurts!! if i'm not kind, then i'm horrible, i don't want to prove them right and be a rude brat!
okay this has spiralled yet again. can i ever express my feelings without it turning into a vent? find out next episode on kanade.bearblog.dev